I'm shitting rainbows!!!

I apologize for being MIA for a week or so, but changes at work have kept me super busy ( I try to blog during my lunch hour), or I get home late and I'm tired...blah blah blah right?

So this week in American history has been all over the fucking place.  From a total piece of shit mass murderer, who killed people just because they were black, to the Supreme Court finally telling the masses to get over themselves, man the fuck up and accept that everyone can get married.

Really what it boils down to is hate.  This piece of shit asshole (I refuse to give him any credit and use his name) hated a group of people based on their race...stupid right?  People in this country hated a group of people, based on who they choose to love, their ability to get married....stupid right?

I grew up in an incredibly liberal city (San Francisco) where peoples sexuality wasn't an issue.  I had friends who were gay or bi and straight.  It wasn't until I was much older, that I realized not everyone had the same thoughts on the LBGT community that I did.  Didn't every town have a giant Pride Parade?  Didn't every town dedicate the month of June to Pride?  Didn't every town have Naked Sunday??

Since I'm also old and didn't grow up attached to a phone that does everything, and still misses the noise of dial up....I was exposed to hate of someone just because you loved someone of the same sex.  As we are exposed more to the world, I think we tend to stick with like minded people. Case in point?  As I scroll down my Facebook page I see all the glorious rainbows and see everyones profile picture identical.  What it all boils down to is support....and that fucking awesome.

So Happy Pride to all my LBGT friends.  Congrats on being able to have your marriage recognized in the States and I'm ecstatic this happened in my lifetime.

So this Crabbie Chris leaves you with this quote from Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy....

Prison Breaks my vagina

I'm sure by now you've all heard of the escape of New York prison inmates Richard Matt and David Sweat.  These murderers are being compared to the most awesomest of all movies "Shawshank Redemption".  They used power tools in the dark of the night to escape a maximum security prison, had a get away car and one would assume, a way to blend into society because it's been over a week, and their asses haven't been caught yet.

Many questions are being asked about this.....how did they get their hands on these tools?  How long were they doing this?  Who was helping them?  Where are they?!?!


At the time this story broke, my boyfriend busted out with....I wonder who in the prison was helping them?  I remember thinking...who would do that?  I watch Lockup religiously....it's hard to sneak anything into prison.  Workers and visitors are searched and where they would have to hide anything to sneak it in....well all I can say is ouch....that's not going into my ass or vagina!

As it turns out my boyfriend is brilliant and it took just one day to come out that they did, in fact, help help.  Her name is Joyce Mitchell, a middle aged grandmother who, it turns out, was banging both of them!  She's an animal!!  She was suppose to drive the getaway car, have them kill her husband and dive off into an orgy of glorious threesomes, but she had a panic attack and didn't go through with it.  Why would a hard working woman stick power tool bits into her bits, sneak them to these two killers who she's having prison sex with (sooooooo hot), agree to get them out of dodge, kill her husband then run away with them??  Why would she do this?  Rumor has it Richard Matt has a giant penis.

There you have it in a nut shell.....giant penis = huge vaginal cavity to sneak it all in.

Crabbie Chris

Do you love a good prison story?  I DO!  Share them with me.

Follow my bandwagon!!

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, surrounded by parks, the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and asshole sports fans!  Now I don't follow sports at all, but I am a huge fan of Disneyland.  Now when I plan a trip to Disneyland, I don't then set fire to my city, steal shit out of stores and destroy city property.  I don't go around spraying M. Mouse onto city buses, I don't grab a bottle of pixie dust, light it on fire then throw it at cops.

Now why am I bringing this random topic up?  It's because some basketball team is in a championship game, and had the potential to win this event tonight.  As I watched the morning news with my dogs today, it was reported that local law enforcement agencies are gearing up for the inevitable rioting and jackassery that goes along with this win (if it doesn't happen tonight it might sometime this week).  This report reminded me of when the SF Giants won some championship thus bringing out the inner hellion in otherwise normal individuals.

So the real kicker to all this?  If they win, the city will probably burn and if they lose? the city will probably burn.  I ask you this....why?  What joy does an individual get out of this?  Did they shoot baskets, hit a homerun or score a touchdown?  Are the members of the team out there pissing on cop cars and setting bonfires in the middle of Mission Street?

I'm hoping basketball fans might be a bit more civil than the SF Giants fans and not cause traffic delays or burn a bus that I might need to ride in.  I'm hoping that since I didn't even know we had a basketball team up until a few weeks ago, that the "fans" are bandwagoners that will realize that if they win or lose, their miserable lives will still be the same.

Crabbie Chris

Are you a fan of sports or are you a "bandwagoner"?  Do you enjoy burning your city to the ground if it wins or loses?  I'd love to hear from you!

Transethnic?

The newest controversy to hit the internet is that of Rachel Dolezal.  She was head of the Spokane Wash. chapter of the NAACP.  The reason....she claimed she was black, however she is, in fact white (with some Native American mixed in).  She grew up with a family that welcomed African American children into the home in the form of her parents adopting children into their home.  She studied at Howard University, and teaches African American Studies at Eastern Washington University.


For the past eight years, Ms. Dolezal has been perming her hair, doing a full body spray tan and filling out applications as someone who has African American in their background.  As I've seen stories about her I've heard a new term "TransEthnic", as someone who believes they are born into the wrong ethnicity.

Now I'm all for someone who dedicates their life to making changes in society.  Whatever your cause and your fight, if you dedicate your life to your beliefs and the advancement of those beliefs, then I say go for it.  My problem with Rachel Dolezal is that she lied.  She tried to pass her adopted brothers off as her children, she lied on applications and she lied to NAACP.  If she had just been straight forward and put her cause out there to fight the good fight, then I think she would have made a difference.  Instead she's publicly shamed and humiliated, has had to resign  and has come across as a liar.

I'm not sure I understand Transethnic.  I'm ok being in this lout Italian body (although the birthing hips are something I can live without).  I'm not sure her motivations, I'm not sure if she feels trapped in a white body or if she even knows what to believe about herself.  I will be curious to see what happens to her in the future.


Crabbie Chris

Share your thoughts....do you think it's possible to feel trapped in the wrong ethnicity?  Comment below.

You're buggin' the hell out of me!

So tonight I'm in my Honda Fit driving my insane GSD to the park for an evening walk.  We come up to a stop sign where we are in the right lane to go straight and this bright yellow VW Bug is in the left turn only lane.  She realizes she has to turn but clearly doesn't want to, so she looks to move over into my lane.  Being that I have my dog with me and I've got my Disney music playing, I let her in.  Then she does the unthinkable.....doesn't wave a thanks.  I find it to be so rude when drivers don't wave a thanks when clearly you let them in rescuing them from going down the wrong path.

I continue my drive with her in front of me and sure enough, she turns left at the same intersection as me.  So off we go towards our park with this rude bitch in front of me.  We're driving through a residential area, and we come across a four way stop.  So she stops in front of me and doesn't move.  No one is in front of her, around her, crossing the street or walking anywhere around us.  She's just sitting there picking her damn nose.  So I toot my horn nicely, and she continues to just sit there.  So despite Demi Lavato's version of "Let It Go" playing I ride my horn and channel my inner ASL expert and show her my middle finger.  It's like I woke her up and she finally gets going.

I grew up and live in the SF Bay Area, I'm used to rude ass shitty drivers.  I'm sure someone feels that way about me, but this dumb whore pissed me off and almost ruined my good mood.  Luckily I have a wonderfully sweet dog who gives mom lots of kisses when we got to the park and let me skip while listening to my Disney music.

Crabbie Chris

Do you have rude shitty ass drivers where you live?  Comment below

My uterus rejoices that it's never had kids

I'm sure by now you've seen the infamous "Walmart Battle" between the woman in the lark (lazy) and the rude shopper.  If you haven't You Tube, the first half of this video with the volume on and a box of Kleenex, for you will surely mourn the loss of humanity.  What I am going to cover, however, is not the horrendous (if not a tad bit humorous) display of white trash, but the little boy in the video Johnny.

In the first video you hear the mom (in black) yelling at him to punch the woman in the face, not in self defense, but while she had her on the ground already punching her.  The young boy takes turns throwing shampoo bottles at the woman's face, punching and kicking her all while several bystanders hang around, absorbed in the show, making sure they capture this moment.  Remember....mom is encouraging this behavior.

At one point, this young boy is told by the crowd of ADULTS, to not throw the bottles and to stop behaving in this manner.  He then approaches the crowd and talks back to them, indicating that he wasn't going to stop and that they can't tell him what to do....even pointing at them while telling them off.  Mom must be so proud....oh wait....she is!

Now I think two grown woman fighting in the shampoo aisle of Walmart is juvenile, white trash but a bit funny.  Would I throw down with a woman in a lark zipping around Target?  No way!  but they are adults and are choosing to be an embarrassment to woman kind everywhere.  What I find disturbing is the manner in which this woman encourages that little boy to not only assault a woman, but to be disrespectful to adults in general.

I'm sure this young boys future is bleak.  If at the age of 6 or 7 by my guess, he finds no fault in hitting, punching and kicking a woman while she is down on the ground, can you imagine how he will treat woman as he matures?  I'm sure the Marion County Sheriff Department will save a cell for him.

Crabbie Chris

Share your thoughts on this fight, or how this boy is abusing this woman in the comments below.

Oh go touch this!

Here's my new enemy....the no touch towel dispensers often found in public toilets.  How come every time I run my hands under the sensor....nothing comes out?!?  Then when I walk away with dripping wet hands it magically comes pouring out at warp speed.  Why are you so difficult??  Why can't I just get that nice old fashioned one where I use my nasty wet hand to ratchet the lever into dispensing the towels?

Then there's this space age contraption.  It's the Dyson hand blow dryer.  Place your hands into this device at your own risk.  The wind is so powerful I think layers of flesh have been ripped off my phalanges.  When I dare to pull my finger out of this Star Trek invention, they still aren't 100% dry and I have to then battle the no touch towel dispenser.


Please tell me I'm not the only one who endures this battle.....leave a comment below and share your experiences.

Crabbie Chris

I guess I'm a lesbian now and want to adopt kids

Well holy shit....Wells Fargo created a new ad showing these women learning sign language.  We follow them learning in class and online then practising their new skills.  As the commercial continues, we learn why.  They are a lesbian couple adopting a deaf child.

We all know being gay is a disease that passes along through casual touching or by sneezing on a surface that I then come into contact with.  (Please people I'm being sarcastic!!)  These are some of the lame ass reasons being given that gay couples should not be seen on TV together.  Can you believe this commercial, and Wells Fargo for creating it, are being boycotted??  IT'S 2015!!

Why not cheer this fictional couple on for wanting to adopt any kid, let alone a deaf one?  What is the reasoning behind saying this couple is wrong?  Because they happen to both have vaginas?  Last time I looked almost anyone can have a kid.  Insert Tab A into Slot B add some Elmers Glue and 9 months later you're stuck with 18 years of child support payments or the kid gets dumped off at a hospital addicted to meth and is abandoned like a puppy at the pound.

So why can't some people in society, I'm talking to you Franklin Graham, get over it?  He's calling for a boycott of Wells Fargo's shareholders to "stop using advertising dollars to promote homosexuatlity, which is a godless lifestyle."

I have full disclosure policy here I'm an atheist, however I grew up in a Catholic household.  To classify two consenting adults, in a loving relationship wanting to adopt a child with a handicap kid as godless?  Well that is totally fucked!  Who is this guy to decide who is fit to raise a kid?  That somehow some crack whore, who opens her legs for a $5 fix and gets pregnant, is fit to have kids because she's straight?  Utter bullshit.

I say bravo to Wells Fargo for showing all the families all 31 flavors of them.

Crabbie Chris

The Man-Bun and we're not talking a sweet piece of ass here

#manbunmonday #manbunlifestyle #manbun4life.....however you hashtag it I will never understand the trend that is the man bun.  Growing up in the 80's, when I heard man bun, I looked at a mans ass.  Buns = ass right?  Somewhere between 1980 and 2015 man bun no longer referred to a hot piece of man ass, but instead it morphed into a man (hot or not) who decided instead of washing his hair, he will in fact, toss his rats nest into a bun and call it a day.

Now I picked the ever yummy Chris Hemsworth to show as my example.  He's a fine piece of man served on a dish full of hello, with a side of I'm gonna bite that tush.  A quick google search of Chris Hemsworth shows him looking so great with his short hair, his Thor hair and his wet hair while half naked on the beach.....but he just doesn't look good with the man bun.

Why??  Why do I find this trend takes a man from yummy to yucky?  I think I just equate it to being messy, unkept, stinky and just all around sloppy.  At what point did the first man to invent this look, watch some ballerina all done up with her tight bun atop her hair and say......I want to do that!?!  Then this man bun inventor said "shit that's just too much effort, fuck it I can't even make it neat".  Then top this look off by having a messy beard.

I'm all for men having long hair.  My boyfriend had long hair for years (shhh don't tell him I shared that) and not once did that mane go into a bun.  Even the hippies of the 70's just let that beautiful long hair flow.  So why the bun?

I say let that hair flow free.  Make sure it's washed, brushed and smells wonderful.  Hell I'm even ok with a ponytail...I just hate the damn bun!

Can't we please just go back to the time when I could turn to my girlfriends and say "check out the buns on that man" and I'm referring to his tight naked ass, instead of the Princess Leia doughnut rolls???

Crabbie Chris

Do you sport a man bun?  Share in the comments.

Dig Duggers

Some of you living under a rock might not know of the Dugger Family.  They are "famous" for having more children than should ever come out of one woman's vagina.  They have 19 children and are devout Christians.  They are known for presenting themselves as being wholesome and hover over their children's virtue like its a commodity to barter.

In recent weeks, it has come to light that their oldest son, Josh, had molested several of the sisters one as young as 5 years old!  Most of the girls were asleep, however this particular girl was on his lap being read a book when he decided to let his hands wander.  His parents, at some point, were made aware of his sick ways, yet did nothing to protect the girls and merely sent him to some family friend to "deal" with his problem.

Ok here we go.....first off they multiply like rabbits and pawn they younger kids onto the older children to take care of.  The older children never had a childhood and never got to just be kids.  They home school their children, which prevents them from learning just how fucked up their parents really are!

This boy Josh takes to touching his sisters and others (who have remained anonymous) while they sleep.  Why when he knows it's wrong?  Then he gets grab happy with another sister in the laundry room and sticks his hands up her skirt.  Tops it off with pawing away at his 5 year old sister who's like "oh my brother is reading to me because my parents are off screwing to have more kids and can't be bothered with me!"

So then we're led to believe that Josh, overcome with guilt, confesses to his parents.  At some point they bring him to a cop (later convicted of being a sick fuck of a child molester himself) who lets him off the hook (I guess the predators protect themselves).  His parents don't get the victims any counseling nor do they get him any.

What the hell is wrong with these parents?!?!  Maybe if you stop having kids you can't even take care of, shit like this wouldn't happen.  Maybe they should actually pay attention to their family and stop building their own cult where the only practitioners are your own kids and the weirdos you marry them off to.  Maybe....just maybe Jim Bob should....I don't know....stick his dick someplace that can't get her pregnant already!!

Crabbie Chris

Oh and feel free to leave a comment with a topic you want me to go off on.  Tomorrow...The Man Bun!

Welcome to what's between my legs

I'm going to discuss what everyone is discussing the whole Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner issue.  First off I grew up in San Francisco a very liberal and accepting place.  I often heard it referred as the "Gay Capital of the World" like it was a bad thing?!?  I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community, have friends that are gay and bisexual, and I support their wish to marry.  Do I support Bruce Jenner's transition from male to female?  Fuck yeah I do!

I hear all the lame arguments about her being a freak, how "god" doesn't make mistakes blah blah blah.  First off, why is being transgender a mistake?  If your argument is that having plastic surgery to remove a penis and create a vagina is a mistake, then riddle me this........Why don't you label ALL plastic surgery a mistake?  Fake tits, liposuction, corrective eye surgery, nose jobs, on and on and on.... Why determine that making your outside different (at its very core of the argument) match your inside wrong?

Why a freak?  I think beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  I personally think a freak is a sick asshole who fucks children is a freak, but if you want to label someone who wants to accomplish their happiness a freak, then go ahead.  If the worst you call them is a freak, well then....you need to get more creative.

The only bad thing about her transition, is that she had to wait 65 years to be comfortable enough to achieve it.  I'm hoping by her sharing her story, younger kids will get the help they need.

I'm sure she's not reading my blog and never will, but I for one think she looks awesome.  I hope she lives many years as a happy woman and that society will stop giving a shit what is between someones legs.

Feel free to comment below.  I will even allow hurtful asshole comments because it's America and I believe you have the right to be wrong.

Crabbie Chris