My dirty little secret....

I have a dirty little secret I'm going to share with you all.  No it's not that when I wear my Wonder Woman underwear that I think I'm extra bad ass, and no it's not that I have a Miley Cyrus song in my ITunes, or even that I really wish unicorns existed......it's that I'm a huge fan of Maury Povich.

I don't just love his show, but I live for the DNA ones.  The episodes where the woman chicken necks, yells at the screen shot of the man and her spawn looking identical, and is 1,000,000,000 % sure he's the baby daddy....only to have the world know she is a whore who slept with multiple men in a tiny window of time.....that just makes for epic TV.

The tiny widow of time that I get to peek into the lives of these people and see just how messed up they live, makes me appreciate my boring life.  From the "did my man father my mothers child?", to the "this is my 10 visit, he has to be the father" and lets not forget "will we ever find a father to any of Marisols children?"

Speaking of Marisol....she's become a bit of a star in the Maury circuit.  She has at least 5 kids with multiple men and she knows the father of only one.  She's tested so many men, they can't all fit on the screen.  I've watched her over the years slowly age, test more men, sleep her way through New York, but I can't help but get excited when I see her return.

So don't give me the wild teens, the lie detector tests or the makeovers.....Give me some good old fashioned DNA tests where the women are wrong and run off the screen into the next studio.

What's your dirty little secret....care to share??

Crabbie Chris

Was he always the creepy man on the Subway?

I love to eat at Subway.....I love that it's the same at any location on any planet.  I get my 6 inch turkey on wheat with American Cheese, pickles olives, salt and pepper with oil and vinegar.  If I'm feeling really rebellious,  I add avocado (not guacamole mind you-but the real shit).

I've never really associated Subway with Jared Fogle.  Yes I've seen him around and I understand he lost a shit load of weight eating their sandwiches like 20 years ago.  Good for him....it's a hard task and he continues to be successful at it.  He seems like a nice enough guy, just your average Joe that seemed to connect himself to the brand.

So imagine my surprise when the FBI investigated him for possession of child pornography!  Now it's true an ex-business partner was recently arrested for having child porn on his computer, and Jared is just being investigated so at this point he's not been charged.

However just the fact that he's under investigation has lead to all his sponsors dropping his ass!  No one wants to be associated with a child molester (sure they will put their name in with an adulterer and someone who fights and tortures dogs-but that's for another blog).  So even if he never viewed, possessed, jerked off to or "enjoyed", the damage to his reputation is done!

Do you think that's fair?  Do you think, that just because he was in business with a sick pervert who deserves to have his dick cut off then mushroom slapped with it, that his reputation and livelihood is ruined?  In case you didn't notice, I used a picture of his South Park cartoon.  I wasn't going to post a picture of the sick fuck, just in case he is guilty.

Sound off below!

Crabbie Chris

Want a bite of this pudding pop?

Oh Bill Cosby.....I have such fond memories of you....Fat Albert cartoons, Mr. Huxtable, and my most cherished Mr. Pudding Pop himself.  What I don't have is a memory of you drugging young women then raping them when they couldn't fight back!

In recent months Bill Cosby has been accused by lots of women of first being drugged-his drug of choice was quaaludes- then being sexually assaulted.  These women, who didn't know each other, had eerily similar stories.  Some stated it happened in his home, others while he was promising them gigs, and best yet...while his wife was home!!

Some of these women were famous models, some were wives of his friends and some were women hoping the famous Bill Cosby would give them an acting job.  All these women coming forward to tarnish his perfect reputation....and he denied denied denied.

Not anymore!!  In a sworn civil deposition he admitted to acquiring the drugs with the intent to give them to young women he intended to have sex with.  While he hasn't admitted to raping any of the accusers, it does a new light on the situation.  First off....he acquired illegal drugs.  Secondly, he admits he gave them to women he had sex with (however he later retracts that statement to say woman-as he was being accused by one woman at the time).  Lastly, this was a sworn statement to attorneys.....he knew this was being recorded and used against him in the civil trial.

So what makes this story so awful?  I mean he's a rapist...I say we cut his dick off and beat him over the face with it daily.  But there is also this loss of an 80's icon.  His image was so wholesome, all sweater wearing.....family dancing kind of Dr. Huxtable you know?  To think that under all that he was a sick fuck who drugged women to make them comatose, then had his way with them?  Does he like having sex with corpses?  Is that it?  These women couldn't fight him off, they were drugged to the point of being blacked out!  He found that hot and sexy?  That's a new level of sick and twisted!!

His shows have all been pulled, his reputation is done......and I've lost my taste for them pudding pops.

Crabbie Chris

Exploding Heads

Over the Fourth of July weekend not only did this blogger age an additional year, but Devon Staples of Maine, died from lighting a firecracker from atop his head.  Now I'm not some PHD, but placing an explosive atop your head, then lighting it....well that just never seems like a brilliant idea.  Authorities say alcohol may have been involved and I really and truly hope so.  I'd like to think that no one is that stupid.

What I want to know is how do a bunch of "adults" get together and allow this to happen?  Listen, I have friends...we all hang out and do shit together and act like we're 15 instead of being in our (censored).  At no point do we ever encourage each other to stick dynamite on our heads and light it.  Not once.....


I hope you all had a fun and safe Fourth.  I hope nothing exploded off your body especially because of your own stupidity.

Crabbie Chris

Comment below about your weekend and if you lost any necessary bits.

I'm shitting rainbows!!!

I apologize for being MIA for a week or so, but changes at work have kept me super busy ( I try to blog during my lunch hour), or I get home late and I'm tired...blah blah blah right?

So this week in American history has been all over the fucking place.  From a total piece of shit mass murderer, who killed people just because they were black, to the Supreme Court finally telling the masses to get over themselves, man the fuck up and accept that everyone can get married.

Really what it boils down to is hate.  This piece of shit asshole (I refuse to give him any credit and use his name) hated a group of people based on their race...stupid right?  People in this country hated a group of people, based on who they choose to love, their ability to get married....stupid right?

I grew up in an incredibly liberal city (San Francisco) where peoples sexuality wasn't an issue.  I had friends who were gay or bi and straight.  It wasn't until I was much older, that I realized not everyone had the same thoughts on the LBGT community that I did.  Didn't every town have a giant Pride Parade?  Didn't every town dedicate the month of June to Pride?  Didn't every town have Naked Sunday??

Since I'm also old and didn't grow up attached to a phone that does everything, and still misses the noise of dial up....I was exposed to hate of someone just because you loved someone of the same sex.  As we are exposed more to the world, I think we tend to stick with like minded people. Case in point?  As I scroll down my Facebook page I see all the glorious rainbows and see everyones profile picture identical.  What it all boils down to is support....and that fucking awesome.

So Happy Pride to all my LBGT friends.  Congrats on being able to have your marriage recognized in the States and I'm ecstatic this happened in my lifetime.

So this Crabbie Chris leaves you with this quote from Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy....

Prison Breaks my vagina

I'm sure by now you've all heard of the escape of New York prison inmates Richard Matt and David Sweat.  These murderers are being compared to the most awesomest of all movies "Shawshank Redemption".  They used power tools in the dark of the night to escape a maximum security prison, had a get away car and one would assume, a way to blend into society because it's been over a week, and their asses haven't been caught yet.

Many questions are being asked about this.....how did they get their hands on these tools?  How long were they doing this?  Who was helping them?  Where are they?!?!


At the time this story broke, my boyfriend busted out with....I wonder who in the prison was helping them?  I remember thinking...who would do that?  I watch Lockup religiously....it's hard to sneak anything into prison.  Workers and visitors are searched and where they would have to hide anything to sneak it in....well all I can say is ouch....that's not going into my ass or vagina!

As it turns out my boyfriend is brilliant and it took just one day to come out that they did, in fact, help help.  Her name is Joyce Mitchell, a middle aged grandmother who, it turns out, was banging both of them!  She's an animal!!  She was suppose to drive the getaway car, have them kill her husband and dive off into an orgy of glorious threesomes, but she had a panic attack and didn't go through with it.  Why would a hard working woman stick power tool bits into her bits, sneak them to these two killers who she's having prison sex with (sooooooo hot), agree to get them out of dodge, kill her husband then run away with them??  Why would she do this?  Rumor has it Richard Matt has a giant penis.

There you have it in a nut shell.....giant penis = huge vaginal cavity to sneak it all in.

Crabbie Chris

Do you love a good prison story?  I DO!  Share them with me.

Follow my bandwagon!!

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, surrounded by parks, the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and asshole sports fans!  Now I don't follow sports at all, but I am a huge fan of Disneyland.  Now when I plan a trip to Disneyland, I don't then set fire to my city, steal shit out of stores and destroy city property.  I don't go around spraying M. Mouse onto city buses, I don't grab a bottle of pixie dust, light it on fire then throw it at cops.

Now why am I bringing this random topic up?  It's because some basketball team is in a championship game, and had the potential to win this event tonight.  As I watched the morning news with my dogs today, it was reported that local law enforcement agencies are gearing up for the inevitable rioting and jackassery that goes along with this win (if it doesn't happen tonight it might sometime this week).  This report reminded me of when the SF Giants won some championship thus bringing out the inner hellion in otherwise normal individuals.

So the real kicker to all this?  If they win, the city will probably burn and if they lose? the city will probably burn.  I ask you this....why?  What joy does an individual get out of this?  Did they shoot baskets, hit a homerun or score a touchdown?  Are the members of the team out there pissing on cop cars and setting bonfires in the middle of Mission Street?

I'm hoping basketball fans might be a bit more civil than the SF Giants fans and not cause traffic delays or burn a bus that I might need to ride in.  I'm hoping that since I didn't even know we had a basketball team up until a few weeks ago, that the "fans" are bandwagoners that will realize that if they win or lose, their miserable lives will still be the same.

Crabbie Chris

Are you a fan of sports or are you a "bandwagoner"?  Do you enjoy burning your city to the ground if it wins or loses?  I'd love to hear from you!